- [Marcus] Try this, it will blow your mind.
- What is it? - A technological innovation
that will revolutionise our business.
Introducing the ice cube.
- Sure, I mean I have seen ice before.
Like in winter in puddles.
- Yeah, but how about in summer in drinks?
It cools them down fast.
- Mm, it sort of bonks against your teeth, dunnit?
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean it is cold.
- Exactly, sweaty punters
will be queuing up for these babies.
I honestly think it could be the new lemon slice.
Oh, maybe we should combine them.
- Mm.
- Have you seen the fruit bowl?
- Afternoon.
- Oh, here it comes new on Grumicfs head.
- Can we have that back please, Grumio,
washed first ideally?
- Not a chance, along with the bin lid,
it's a key part of my sun shade.
That big yellow bastards bloody throbbing out there.
- Just wear a hat, you weirdo.
- Not big enough, mate, I want the coverage of a parasol
with my hands free for wafting.
- Sounds like someone would like an ice cube,
Rome's hottest new garnish,
or should I say coldest.
- No, you definitely shouldn't.
(MW)
(ice crunching)
- Well don't eat it, when you've got three of those.
(Plebs
# When in Rome #
# Do as the Romans do #
# Far from home #
# All I got is you #
- As soon as word gets out
about the ice, we'll be rammed.
We'll be doing pay, rises, uniforms, the lot.
- Amazing, can't wait.
- Me neither, until then, however, we're empty,
so we're doing pay cuts and shift cuts, yours mainly.
(MW)
- Well look, no wuzzas boss.
I've actually got a cheeky little side hustle
on the go right now, so I'm as flush as a brush.
- A side hustle, what side hustle?
- I've become a Knight of Eros if you must know, nosy.
- A what, what the fuck is that?
- It's basically Rome's premiere escort agency
for the discerning woman.
- She can't be that discerning if she's hiring you.
' N! CORUKWE mo“ “EYE.
My penchant for neoteric: verse made me
the ideal companion to the poetry recital last night.
I'd have happily gone for free but,
as it was,
the lady in question gave me 200 big ones.
- But you look like a dog's ass.
- With 200 big ones stuffed up it.
- Water, barkeep, water please.
- Certainly sir, coming right up.
- Quick as you can, I'm late for a meeting.
- Rampant out there, innit?
- And the rest, I'm sweating like a priest at an orgy here.
- In which case,
it» mm
A brand new product guaranteed
to keep you and your drink, super cool.
- Uh-huh, fill her up son.
And don't let me forget this parasol.
I've lost two of the sodding things this week alone.
- Of course, and how is that ice for you?
Refreshing I bet.
- Tell you what you need, mate.
- Perhaps, would you recommend it to a friend?
- A hands-free parasol.
- Grumio, please.
- All the convenience of a hat,
all the coverage of a 'brolly.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm going back to the ice.
- Where'd you get that from?
- I made it, it's mine.
' COITIE and SEE ITIG TOITIOITOW.
Severus Galba, businessman.
I'm always on the hunt for new ideas.
= Efirunwiw.
- Don't forget to come and see me.
- Don't forget your parasol.
(upbeat music)
- So Jason, what makes you think
you've got what it takes to become a Knight of Eros?
- Well, for a start off, my dating game is on point.
- Is it really, how so?
- I look good, I smell good.
I always keep a lady's wine glass full to the brim.
- Okay, that's too full.
- I'm a great listener.
Or like I'm great at looking like I'm listening,
but really I'm zoning out.
Like this.
- Right, impressive, but I'm afraid our books are full.
- As if, you took Aurelius,
and he's a massive, dweeby douche.
- Aurelius, Aurelius, oh yes, him.
- If that gimp's getting dates, I should be too.
- Well I agree, he's quite niche.
- Niche ain't it, he's a disgrace.
You're giving a lonely lady the worst night ever,
when she could be getting the night of her life,
(upbeat music)
- Look out for number 42,
he didn't give us a time, did he?
- He didn't give us anything, man.
I'm the one he wanted to see.
- No, I know, but guys like this can be sharks, Grumio.
And you're some deformed little seal-pup.
I'm just here to makes sure you don't get eaten alive.
- Well I've run it across my back-room bods
and they think it's a goer!
- Boom-ting!
- Boom-ting indeed.
And did you happen to mention the ice as well?
- You what?
- From your drink?
- What are you doing?
- 'Cause with a bit of seed money,
I could buy a huge block of the stuff.
- Okay, listen, I'm not one to fuck about with foreplay,
so I'll cut to the chase.
I like your idea, Grumio, I want to develop it.
- Fantastic, so maybe we could develop both ideas in tandem.
- Why are you still talking?
In fact, why are you even here?
This is between me and Grumio.
- He won't be told.
- It's not just between the two of you, I'm afraid,
you see I happen to be Grumicfs owner.
- Are you now, well suddenly it all makes sense.
- So I also own all his intellectual property,
if you can call it that.
- I had an owner once myself.
Really,
- Back in the day, yes I was, to another whiny little tit.
- But like you've got your own desk
and door and everything!
- Well I had some smart ideas,
seized my opportunities,
made meself some moolah.
And you can do the same son.
[HI
- For what, sorry?
- For Grumio, I'll buy him off you,
cut out the middle prick.
I'm not developing his ideas to make you rich, bozo.
- Uh, wow, the two of us, we need to discuss it.
- No we don't, he'll take it.
- What, really?
- I want to go with him
and get some moolah and a big fat desk.
He's a proper businessman not some beaky numpty.
- That's a boy Grumio, so what do we say then master?
Have we got a deal?
(upbeat music)
- What, you sold our mate for a block of ice?
- Yeah, bought it off landlord.
It's a fair exchange really.
One big lump for another.
- I must say, I'm a huge fan.
It has a frosty beauty.
A glimmering elegance.
Almost a sadness about it.
- And it makes drinks colder.
That's the thing to tell people.
In fact, you two should get out there new
and start handing out these fliers.
- Ah, sorry I can't, I got a theatre date in a bit.
- What, do you really?
That's curious.
- Is it, don't think so.
- No, it's just that I had a theatre date myself
through the agency which was then cancelled,
and now here you are, a buffoon,
with a theatre date all of your own.
- Wow, well what a coincidence.
- Well, let's see.
Is your date with someone called Jocasta?
- No, it's with someone called something else.
(upbeat music)
(knocks on door)
- Come!
- All right boss, got some doodles to show you.
- Oh good lad, let's have a squizz.
- So, we swap the fruit bowl for a head band,
and put a sun shade in place of the bin lid.
- Oh, this is top drawer, Grumio.
- I got one of the grown ups in product design to help me.
- So go on, what are we calling it?
- I was thinking the para-hat-asol.
Or the hands-free-shady-boy.
- Good effort, but they're both shit.
How about we name it after its creator?
Let's call it the Grum-brella.
- I don't know what to say boss, I love it.
- You can stop calling me boss for one thing.
We're partners in this.
In fact, I'm going to get a partnership agreement
drawn up for you to sign.
- Wicked, I mean I'll have to draw up a signature
'cause I don't actually have one of them.
- You do that, in the mean time, work on these designs.
We've got a Grum-brella to launch.
- All right boss, all over it.
Sony, m boss, partner, make, sew ems.
(upbeat music)
- We give all we have to our husbands.
Throwing ourself of the mercy of his lust.
(Wm )
- I think that was
the finest production of Medea I've seen.
- Yeah, I mean, that is true for me too, as it goes.
- You enjoyed it then?
- Uh, I like the costumes.
And the blood.
I thought it could have done with a couple of songs,
mmmmm
I mean that main lady, what's her name?
- Medea?
- Yeah, she was a bit of a Debbie downer weren't she?
- Yes, you could say that,
given she kills her children
to spite her cheating husband.
- Hang on, did you say her name was Medea?
'Cause I just thought everyone
was calling her "my dear" the whole time.
- (laughs) I'm going to g0 powder my nose.
- Whoa, where did you come from?
- I knew it wasn't a coincidence.
You stole my date, you devious dog!
- Did you follow us here?
- Via the play, yes, though I'm glad I did.
That was genuinely the best production of Medea
I've ever seen.
- Okay, well piss off before Jocasta gets back.
- Uh, no, you piss off, you interloping shit.
She should be here with me.
- I'm not leaving now, mate.
I've not had my chicken burger yet.
- Chicken burger!
I mean you are so unsuitable for Jocasta it's absurd.
I insist that you let me take over.
- Okay, fine.
Tomorrow we'll go and see that snooty bloke from the agency,
and he can decide who's the best man for the job,
all right?
- Bring it on, your funeral fucko.
(upbeat music)
- Ta da, amazing, right?
- Mm-hmm, well it's a huge block of ice, yes.
Still not quite sure why
I had to come all the way down here though.
- So you could stroke it, go on.
It's so cold and hard.
- Ooh, ooh yeah, I mean,
I hate to pour cold water on it Marcus,
but there is a growing pool of cold water on the floor.
- Yeah, there is a bit of run off, sure,
but you've got to try it, see what you think.
- No, I'm happy with room temperature water to be honest.
- Fine, well I guess your generation
are pretty resistant to new technology.
- Excuse me, my generation?
- Well, you are a fair bit older than me, aren't you?
- Oh, charming!
Do you point out the age of all your customers?
It may explain why you are empty.
- Hey the customers will come
just as soon as word spreads about the ice.
- If they don't,
you can just stand here stroking it all day.
- Maybe stop doing that.
Actually you're making it melt faster.
Haw.
(MW)
- We had a rapport.
- You cannot send her back to him.
- You see, and many shared interests.
- Not after she's tasted the good stuff.
- And frankly I saw her first!
- Okay enough, shush now.
What exactly do you want me to do about this?
- I want you to put him out of his misery basically.
- Well, you have to choose one of us?
To continue dating Jocasta.
- Well, maybe Jocasta could choose for herself.
As it happens,
she came in with her feedback form this morning.
- Ah, perfect. - Right.
- What's she got to say?
- Well starting with you, Jason,
while she admits you were easy on the eye,
she describes your date
as stilted and intellectually arid.
- Yes, in your face, arid, you sir are arid!
- As for you Aurelius,
she praises your wit and sophistication.
But found you visually challenging
and compares you to a greased goat.
- (laughs) See, I told you you was butters!
- Okay, so I see,
so which one of us does she want to see again.
It's not completely clear.
- Neither of you, obviously.
Nor will I be keeping you on our books,
as it is evident that both of you fall short
of the Knights of Eros standards, goodbye.
(upbeat music)
- Oh my days, this is huge.
- Too huge, this cannot all be for Grumio, surely.
- Easy lads, thanks for coming.
- Aright g-dog, what's going on here, who are all the togas?
- Just some influencers, a few journos, the odd celeb.
Severus likes to push the boat out for a product launch.
- Yeah, Grumio, it is quite a weird product.
So don't expect them all to love it.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Know what I mean?
- Cheers, Marcus, I knew I could trust you
to bring the good vibes.
- Mm-hmm, I also brought some fliers about our ice.
Do you think I could maybe hand them to the influencers?
= Definitely
- All right, listen up everyone.
- Oh, here we go, showtime!
- I'm just going to plop them down here.
- When I first clapped eyes on the inventor of this product
he reminded me a bit of myself.
A little slave with big ideas.
An idiot master holding him back.
K mm»
All he needed was someone to give him a chance.
Grumio, come up here son, introduce your idea!
K WWI)
- So all it basically is a big 'brolly
but you don't have to hold it 'cause it sits on your head.
Oh and it's called the Grum-brella.
K WWI)
- Yeah.
(crowd cheers and claps)
- Oh no, mate!
- Yes.
(upbeat music)
- So I was thinking,
maybe we should kick on and expand the range.
- Very sensible, what are we talking?
- Well, I want to do a big'un with spiky ends
like a crown called a Maxi-Grum.
And a double one you can wear
with your mate called a Chum-Grum.
- I love it, you're on fire, Grumio!
- I know I am.
So I've also invented a fancy new signature,
so that we can finish the partnership thingy.
- Oh that, yeah.
Uh, yeah, my lawyer's just putting
the finishing touches to that
so it's all nice and offuzial.
But don't you worry about that.
You crack on with these new ideas,
mmmmu
- (laughs) Will do!
Hey, smaller stitches, dickhead!
This is a quality product!
(upbeat music)
- I mean, I got a one out of 'IO for appearance.
One!
- That is harsh, even I'd give you a two.
What did I get?
- Eight, but you got a naught for conversation,
whereas I got a nine.
- Yeah, between us we'd have a near perfect score.
It's shame we're not one person.
- Ooh, what if we could be?
- Well how would that work?
- We'd go on dates together.
- Uh, I'm not dating a one out of 'IO.
- No, I mean we'd pool our resources.
Take ladies out as a pair.
- Oh shit, yeah.
So I do the looking good and you do the talking good!
- Talking well.
- Right, this is what I mean!
- Glass of water please, barkeep.
Hells, Efirumis.
I see success has literally gone to your head.
- Oh this, it's just a Maxi-Grum mate.
A big ballsy bastard for fans of the brand.
- Yeah man, congrats, the Grum-brellas are everywhere!
- We are shifting stock it's true.
How's it going with the ice?
- Great, thanks, our stock is also shifting.
- Oh yeah, 'cause people are buying it
or 'cause it's melting onto the floor?
- A bit of both.
- Mainly melting though, isn't it?
- What do you actually want, Grumio?
Why are you here?
- Just came to say hi,
and to let you know that I'm hiring a PA.
Thought I'd give you (snaps) a first refusal.
- And I refuse, thanks.
I've got bigger career ambitions
than being my former slave's secretary.
- Oh well, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, eh?
(chews ice)
(upbeat music)
(knocks on door)
- Are you sure this is the one?
- Yeah, I stalked her home after our date.
- Stalked?
- Walked.
- Which one was it?
- Well both, actually.
And I walked her some of the way
and then stalked her the rest.
(door squeaks open)
- Jocasta, hey, remember us?
- Oh, yes, hello, you two know each other?
[HI
- We do indeed, we're great buds.
- Huh, what a charming story.
Now I'm late for my chiropractor.
- We won't keep you.
We're just here to pitch you
a bold new take on the escorting industry.
- Right, which is?
- Say hello to your favourite new agency, The Candy Boys.
I bring the eye candy, you see this.
He brings the ear candy, you hear that.
Two for the price of one.
- Right, but I still have to look at that.
As in him.
- I could stay out of your eye-line if you'd prefer.
- I'd insist.
And you'd stay silent.
- He would, and as our first client,
we could give you the initial date half price.
- Two for the price of half.
Mm»
(upbeat music)
- Secretary, secretary!
- All right, all right, keep your 'brolly on.
What is it now?
- Anything in the in-tray?
I'm waiting for a partnership thingy from Severus.
- Well we got a shit load more
of these customer complaint letters in, yeah.
- Oh friggin hell, what now?
- Some dopey bastard got a spoke in his eye
from the Mega-Grum.
- The Maxi-Grum.
If you're going to be my secretary,
you've got to learn the product names.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
And then two more injured on the Matey-Grum.
- The Chum~Grum_
- Hah, twisted their necks
trying to go in opposite directions.
(laughs) Numpties.
Oh yeah, this one says he's going to sue.
- Stupid, bloody public fools.
Can't see genius when it pokes them in the eye.
- So it's their fault, is it?
Is that how we're going to respond?
- No, we're not responding at all.
Bin em, bin all the bad ones.
- Lovely, that is so much better.
- And find me some fan mail, damn it!
It's what I bloody well deserve.
(upbeat music)
- It's getting smaller by the day.
- Yeah, I mean it will do that.
It's like an in-built design feature.
- No, I know, but there's got to be a way to slow it down.
- You know, pack it in ice, keep the ice nice and icy!
- Right, and how about that ice, how do I keep that cold?
- Well again, more ice and on it goes.
It takes ice to keep ice.
- No, sorry, this is ridiculous.
New plan, if the people won't come to the ice.
The ice will have to come to the people.
(claps)
Let's go boys, we're hitting the streets.
- Oh no, sorry, we can't.
- We've got a hot date.
- What, both of you?
- Big towns, I bring the looks.
- And I bring the noise.
- And together we are.
- The Candy Boys!
- A bit weird.
- Good luck with that.
- Oi, stop melting my ice.
- She's not going to be looking at you anyway.
(upbeat music)
- I love this piece, it's so vivid.
Static, yet somehow full of life!
- Absolutely, the blue veins of the Carrara marble
seem to evoke the very blood pulsing through him.
- Hmm, you can almost hear the shrill hoot
of his pipe being blown.
- (laughs) Ooh er.
- Oh sorry.
- Now, what do you know of this one?
- Ionian, maybe 500 years old.
Classic depiction of Ulysses
beating off the one-eyed monster.
- What do you say is your favourite style of Canu?
- Well I like an Ionian, of course, who doesn't?
But really for me,
it's filthy Corinthian every day of the week.
- Oh.
- Ice.
# Take me there #
Ice Cubes!
# I love for always #
- How many species of tree do you think
you could name in this grove? # Say your prayer #
- I think I could manage all 48 of them.
# There that's what we're together #
- Ice?
#O0h#
- Here we go!
("PM WWW)
- Ah, oh dear, hold up!
MW»
- I want a word with you.
- Eh up, Severus, I'm working on a new Grum-brella for kids.
It's called the Can-l-Have-One-Mum-Grum.
What do you reckon?
- I reckon you should wear a bloody prize PIum-Grum.
That's what I reckon.
Have you had any letters from lawyers recently?
- Uh, yeah, might have done, yeah why?
- Because about 4O of the flesh eating fuckers
are threatening to sue me a new arsehole, that's why.
Punters keep getting skewered by your products!
- Oh the moaning minnies aren't still bleating on, are they?
- No, all of them, no, one of them died.
Couldn't see past the massive spokes.
Got hit by a Waggon.
So he's not bleating on,
but his family are bleating on very loudly.
- Just get your lawyer to tell him to naff off.
He must have finished
our partnership thingy by now, surely?
- No, he's uh, no he, I tell you what.
Why don't we forget about the partnership thingy.
I'll put the Grum-Brella part of the business
entirely in your name.
- Yeah, really?
- Why not, it's your baby after all.
I just helped yank it out of ya.
- Right, so when my ideas are raking it in,
you can't be arsed.
But when they're making people mardy,
or you know, dead,
suddenly you want me to go at it alone, is that right?
- I just want you to forge ahead, Grumio.
Be your own man.
- Mm, ta.
But I reckon I'd rather be your man right now, boss!
(Qfwwls)
(hits the desk)
(paper crumples)
(upbeat music)
- Goodness me, what a downpour.
- Well, all that humidity had to break sooner or later.
- Yes, let's get you out of those wet clothes.
- Hm.
(Kw)
- No, not you.
God your plebeian oinking is a real passion killer.
That's your department, back there.
- Urn, including you want me to make pleasure noises as well?
- All the noises, that was the deal!
(Kw)
- (moans) Ooh, lovely, Jocasta. (moans)
(runs)
(falls down)
- Oh Jason, you are sexy.
- Oh thank you, I work out.
- Talk dirty to me.
- All right yeah, um.
Oh I'm going to wreck you, you filthy lady.
Do your worst.
- I plan to, you cool if we get a bit kinky?
- Uh yeah, of course, I'd love that.
(Opens box)
- You're going to need a safe word.
In case things get a bit much.
- All right like stop, or don't, or?
- Just pick one!
- Mummy, let's go with mummy!
(chains clinking)
- Oh yeah, here it comes.
- Ooh, mm, wow, uh that's good, I think.
(upbeat music)
- 742 classic Grum-Brellas, 'I4 Maxi-Grums,
five Chum-Grums, a large mahogany desk,
three ink pots, and one small slave.
Poor old Severus, spends 25 years building up his business,
meets you and then loses it all in a couple of weeks.
- Might have known you'd sniff out a closing down sale,
you tight wad.
- Well I thought I might buy a few Grum-Brellas
at a knockdown price.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm sorry for doubting you, Grumio.
It was actually quite a good idea it turns out,
until it killed people.
- Cheers, don't suppose you'd fancy
buying the inventor and all, do you?
- (laughs) 55 denarii, bloody hell!
- I'll do you a discount.
(upbeat music)
- I was stuck behind the sofa.
How could I see what she was doing?
- Well I've got wax burns on my ball bag now thanks to you!
And who has mummy as their safe word, you sicko!
- (laughs) So I take it the Candy Boys
have ceased operations.
- Yeah, well I can't sit down.
That makes dinner dates a bit trickier.
Actually, have you got any more of that ice left?
- Uh yes, there's like one tiny cube around somewhere.
- Oh, I think I might have gotten it.
- Whoa, wait, don't bite it.
(mm)
- Ah, that is well soothing.
(I)
(mm music)
#Ah#
# Give me that #
# I came, I saw, I conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
# Gotta believe #
# I came, I saw, I conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
# Oh yeah #
# Can I conquer #